Learning lessons from Virginia Politicians

Faced with the continued degradation of our society, the venerated General Assembly is again working to fix the fabric of our lives--this time with pants.
Last year, Northern Neck Delegate Albert Pollard (D) submitted a resolution expressing our collective distaste with last year's Super Bowl halftime show in which alleged singer Janet Jackson lost her top.
This session Del. Algie Howell (D) of Norfolk has submitted a bill that would fine people $50 for having droopy drawers.
The House of Delegates passed the bill by a more than 2-1 margin, sending the bill to the Senate, which held a meeting and killed the bill.
Howell actually told a Richmond newspaper that his bill "has to do with character-building."
Seriously. I am not kidding. If a 15-year-old kid would just pull up his dad-gum pants, by golly, the feller would have character.

At first, I saw this as silly and political.
These bills and resolutions are often suggested by Democrats who need to be able to say that they did something to fight immorality.
But then, I started looking at (and by "looking at" I mean "completely making up in order to write this column") other bills in front of the state assembly.
HB22173 would completely ban the wearing of white after Labor Day. "For centuries, people in this country respected this rule," said Sen. M.B. Sill (D-Backwater). "When people stopped caring how they presented themselves, we really ran into trouble."
SR16234 is a resolution expressing the "deep regret" of the General Assembly and, by extension the general public, at the popularity of Meg Ryan movies. "Back in my day, we had good movies," said Sen. M. T. Soote (D-Swinish). "We didn't just film the same tripe over and over where this perky girl ends up with some complete ignoramus." A similar bill now before the courts and justice committee of the House would fine the Screen Actors Guild $50,000 for each movie Meg Ryan makes with Tom Hanks.

Following the positive vote for Howell's bill, Del. Joe Buncombe (D-Mountebank) said that the proposed legislation does not go far enough.
"America is the greatest country in the world, but we have problems," Buncombe said. "The problem isn't just the baggy pants. The problem is also these baseball caps the kids are wearing. When I was a young lad, we wore hats. Fedoras. Derbies. Then my kids wore these baseball caps. Now these kids today are wearing their dang-nab caps backwards," he said from the floor of the House on Monday. Buncombe then pointed to a chart he had prepared. "Notice the rise in drug crimes and violence," he said. "Now, look at this." He then overlaid a similar graph. "This all started when these kids turned their caps around. They have no respect for anything." Buncombe then proceeded to put on a baseball cap-the "right way," he said-and pointed to the front of the cap that read, "Turn America Around."
Buncombe received a standing ovation.

Following Buncombe's speech, Del. Jethro Poltroon (D-Palooka) had his say.
"I applaud the good delegate from Mountebank," he said, putting his thumbs into the armholes of his vest. "And I applaud all those who fight for values." Poltroon then asked for the chamber's support for his HB24219, which he said defends the sanctity of marriage.
"My first wife didn't believe in the sanctity of marriage," he said. "Neither did my second-but I do. I'm the most sanctimonious person here." Poltroon then leaned his head back and scratched his jaw. "This gay marriage ban is a good start, but we need to do something more." Poltroon's bill would limit marriage in Virginia to "upstanding citizens," he said. According to language in the bill, marriage would be allowed only to "church-going, non-gay landowners with no felony convictions and no more than two misdemeanor convictions."
(A group of Republican politicians from Northern Virginia has added an amendment that would add language to the bill excepting embezzlement as one of the crimes.)
All bills are expected to pass. This is an election year.