Zing, zing, zing went the folly

I tried watching the much ballyhooed debate on Sunday between Sen. George Allen (R) and Jim Webb (D). In case you missed it, the sweet couple was on Tim Russert’s NBC show arguing about war in Iraq, the Global War on Terror and torture because they’re both running for the U.S. Senate and senators have much to do with torture and terror and war.

Webb, who served as secretary of the U.S. Navy under President Ronald Reagan, wanted everyone to know that he is a decorated combat veteran, so he wore combat boots. Allen, who grew up in California, wanted everyone to know what a down-home kind of guy he is, so he wore cowboy boots. They’re both politicians, so of course they wore dark suits, white shirts and red ties.
Then they started talking. When I woke up, the whole thing was over. No, no. I’m just kidding. They were still talking when I woke up.
Early in the Sunday morning chat, Allen said that he has “shown great leadership for the people of Virginia as governor, as United States senator, making this country more safe and also more prosperous.”
It’s good to know who to thank for a prosperous America.

Of course, we also have Allen to thank for a zinger against the French and Webb. (If he had been able to get one off against the French, a politician and Meg Ryan all at the same time, I’d have sent him a fruit basket.)
Speaking of Webb’s stance against invading Iraq during the reign of the first President Bush 15 years ago, Allen said, “the French were even for military action in 1991.”
Allen, who didn’t serve in the military, probably is better off not bringing up the military when he’s running against the former secretary of the Navy. I mean, it’s probably not as stupid as Dan Quayle comparing himself to John F. Kennedy, if only for the fact that, well, I’ve watched Lloyd Bentsen. I’ve seen Lloyd Bentsen. And Webb is no Lloyd Bentsen.
Still, though, Allen should defer to Webb’s expertise. I mean, Webb’s wearing combat boots, after all.

In fact, Webb’s joke writers might even be wearing combat boots, since Webb came back with, “And with respect to the French analogy, which he’s used before, my, my Marine son was home, and he said, ‘Wait a minute, OK, the French did support Gulf War I. Dad, you were—you fought in Vietnam, George Allen didn’t fight in Vietnam. Even the French fought in Vietnam.’ I mean, what have the French got to do with any of this?”
Exactly. The French are fond of Jerry Lewis. They clearly don’t understand humor. They couldn’t write debate zingers for these fellows.

Here’s the really important thing Webb said there, by the way. The important thing wasn’t that his son is a Marine. Webb’s family is military. He’s so totally more of a military expert than Allen. Got it. Even Webb’s son wears combat boots. Got it. Webb served in Vietnam. Again, got it. While George Allen was at home wearing Confederate flag pins to be rebellious, Webb was off fighting in Vietnam. Seriously. We got it. But here’s the key phrase in Webb’s zinger there: “which he’s used before.”

These guys have scouted each other. You know when you get zinged at a party and then, on the way home, think of what you should have said? The only difference here is that the next party they go to, the same guy tries to zing them with the same line. Since that time, a team of writers and media consultants and all sorts of interns and volunteers have come up a response. (If someone can prove to me that Webb’s son really said that, then I’ll sit completely undrugged through a Meg Ryan film festival.)

And that’s the problem with running for office. More attention is given to crafting clever sound-bites than crafting an Iraq policy.
These bright fellows need to spend their time learning how to deal with roadside bombs in Iraq and how to stabilize the economy in Iraq and then how to get the heck out when the job is done. Here at home they need to focus on making sure gas prices in March are as low as they are in election season. They need to focus on our schools, our roads and our safety.
They need to spend less time writing sound-bites and more time writing sound legislation.

A decorated combat veteran and former secretary of the U.S. Navy should be out there helping our troops get the job done in Iraq, not whining about what his opponent says about him.
And a senator of the United States of America should have more important—and decidedly more difficult—things to worry about than coming up with insults for Jim Webb.
Heck, Webb’s mother probably does wear combat boots.